A Trip to Town in 16 Simple Steps

Money? Id? Keys?
Check

Sunglasses? Umbrella?
Check

Door double locked? Iron gate chunky padlocked? Times two?
Check

Ok, now you are ready to follow my simple steps for a hassle free trip to town.

1. Follow dirt track 10mins to tar road. Avoid new fountain from burst water pipe. Greet everyone you pass.
2. Once at tar road scrutinise okada (motorbike, machine) drivers to spot one that looks vaguely sensible.
3. Lifting arm 30°, waggle fingers to attract attention.
4. Step back to avoid collision.
5. Greet okada man. Haggle price.
6. Climb onto bike from left side to avoid an unpleasant singe on the exhaust.
NB: Do NOT touch the driver. You can hold the wrack behind you to prevent embarrassing body slams when braking. This is not always effective and depends on urgency of brake.
7. Arriving at bus stop only put legs down when 100% sure the okada has finished weaving through the crowd of guys calling “Wuse! Berger! WuseBergerWuseBergaaaah! Climb inside! Climb insideclimbinsiiiide!”
8. Grit teeth and stand strong. Search (with your eyes) for a bus that is almost full.
NB: You will not be able to move freely due to the 20 guys fighting, pushing and shoving around you, trying pay for your okada to ensure your custom.
NB2: Do not be fooled into jumping on a bus that is just pulling away. They are all just pulling away, and once they gain another passenger will roll back to wait for more.
9. Scramble on to bus. Mind your head. Wriggle bum into 5” space.
10. Wait for bus to fill.
11. Wait for 4 more people to fit in before being ready to set off.
12. When the conductor feels like asking, pay him. Be prepared to wait for change, it will come.
13. Do not think about speed or driving quality, or wonder what that cranking noise is underneath the bus.
14. With destination in sight, signal to conductor (if he’s awake), “Conductor? Conductor! Nicon dey”
15. Wait for 10 people to shift so you alone can alight. Mind the sliding door as the driver impatiently starts to leave before your back half is out of the bus.
16. Signal another okada using steps 2-6 above.