UTC Market

Imagine a large warehouse, remove the walls but leave the high roof above. Turn your mind to the floor. What do you see? Smooth, level concrete? Hell no – picture it uneven and stony, with muddy puddles and broken storm drains. Add a few pits of varying depths, reached by uneven, eroded staircases.

Begin to fill (and I mean FILL to every last inch) the vast space with crooked stalls and ramshackle shops. Stock these with any and many of the following: stationery items, CDs, DVDs, phones, electronics, pedal powered sewing machines, material, tailoring supplies, computers, picture frames, printers, mugs, crockery, printing presses from the 12th century.

Once you have finished stocking, double it, and fill any remaining space with debris – paper, cloth and packaging.

Now you are almost set with your mental model of UTC covered market, Abuja. Just a couple more things remain.

Power. NEPA, as usual, is scanty, so each and every stall needs its own generator, pumping black fumes and filling the vast space with a thrumming background din. The melody to this constant noise is contributed by the TVs that are played full volume in every stall, and the giant rasping sound systems of music vendors. The cables between appliances and generators and lights are about as organized as a plate of spaghetti.

People: Bring in human resource, predominantly male and put them to work. Each task (no matter how small) must be broken down sufficiently enough so that three men and a small boy are required to do it. Add roaming hawkers of small snacks, drinks, watches and underpants. The children of workers play among the stalls, making toys out of the waste.

UTC is dark, noisy and hard on the lungs. Health and safety officers could have a field day. But you can get a lot done inside; as long as you are patient and have the assurance of a shower and a sweet drink when you reach home.

Okada Ban

There are plans to ban okadas from Abuja. This is a disastrous bit of city management. The ban is due to be imposed as of the beginning of October. That’s next week! It’s craziness.

Number one: there is no provision made for alternative employment for the thousands of okada drivers.
Number two: there is no alternative transport system to carry passengers about the town.

The repercussions from this, if it indeed goes ahead, could be huge. Both for individuals and the community. There may be less traffic accidents, and less pollution, but the loss of livelihoods for a mass of predominantly young single men could lead to all manner of troubles.

There is cynicism around everything in this country. Someone has suggested that maybe this is as a result of some ‘Big Man’ needing a few extra Naira. He spends public money on ‘cleaning up’ Abuja making it ‘safer’; the okada union ask all their members to pay a fee of N100, they dash the Big Man and all will be able to continue. I wonder. It will be interesting to see what happens these next two weeks.

If the Shoe fits...

There is something about shoes here. They just never seem to fit. On women I think it is really a matter of fashion comes first; if they like the shoe, they’ll cram their foot in any way they can. Toes are often bulging off the side of sandals, and covered shoes are totally misshapen.

With men it’s another story and I’m starting to wonder if importance is measured in shoe size. Men here like big, long shoes. You can see the creases of their toes six inches before the tapering point of the shoe (and it must be pointy). A man of 5’5” may wear shoes that you’d struggle to measure with a 30cm ruler.

I followed such a man up some stairs. The steps were posing quite a challenge. The depth of the step, the length of the shoe and the length of the foot inside the shoe simply did not combine to allow a suave stair-climb; it was very cloppity clop.

Mmm Mmm! This is a tasty burger!

Oh we had to laugh! Nigeria Nigeria! Kai, na-wow!

A group of us VSOs met up in Abuja and needed to chop. It was decided we would go to SFC for some cheap(ish) and cheerful fast food. One of our group was vegetarian so we were pleased to see ‘Veggie Burger’ on the menu. I decided to join Esme in ordering one.

We were most curious – what would a Nigerian veggie burger be like? They actually had them in stock, which was a good sign. I had some confidence that it couldn’t be that bad, how wrong could it go?

Esme unwrapped hers first. Lifting the bun she looked, and prodded; ‘I think they forgot the burger!’

Oh dear – poor Esme I thought. Let me tuck into mine!

I peeked at mine and saw the same splodge of mayo, 1 lettuce leaf, 2 weedy tomato slices and 3 rings of raw onion pressed between the bun. She was right! I saw no succulent burger there.

A conversation with the manager ensued. It went something like this, although a little more convoluted:
Esme: ‘Did they forget the burger?’
Manager: ‘No. That is how it is now.’
Esme: ‘Sir, this is not a burger’
Manager: ‘Yes it is. It’s a Veggie Burger.’
Esme: ‘There is no burger! Where is the burger?!’
Manager: ‘It is vegetables in a burger bun. That is our concept of a Veggie Burger.’
Me: ‘…Vegetables???!! It doesn’t even reach one tomato between us!’
Manager: ‘That is how it is now’
Esme: ‘Can’t you at least give us some cheese?’
Manager: ‘Cheese? You want cheese? That will be extra money.’
Esme: ‘Oh no it won’t’

The conversation went round again, probably a couple of times, before they reluctantly squidged in one slice of cheese. We gave in, sat down and chuckled. The others tucked into buns filled with hash browns, salad, and more significantly – actual chunky chicken fillet burgers!

But for Esme and me it was 270Naira for a funny story and an empty belly.

Malta Guinness

Which of these ingredients are addictive? Maize, sorghum, malt, sucrose or hops? Malta Guinness is quite a disgusting thick brown non-alcoholic drink of which I now require a daily slurp to keep me lively. It tastes like something half way between guinness and under-six Calpol medicine.

My name is Kate and I am a Maltaholic.

The mad leading the mad.

Here in Abuja I’ve seen a madman directing the traffic. Initially I was surprised to see that divers adhered to his directions, but actually it’s quite sensible; without his input a busy junction could quickly become a car park. He does a good job, saves people money by preventing bumps and scrapes, allows Road-Safety officers more nap-time and even earns a few tips during the day. Everyone’s a winner! It’s just a shame that drivers in Kubwa don’t observe the Road-Safety people with such diligence.

Ooh I could have a BIG rant about the traffic situation in Kubwa; 1 million people all fighting for space on the road, each with complete contempt for anyone else trying to do the same….BARG! But I won’t continue.
…
…
Well…

Only to say that the whole thing is exacerbated by shoddy roads, clapped out vehicles, quick tempers and each person’s own belief that it is his/her right to drive where and how they please and that everyone else must respect that and should bloody well get out of the way…

It’s probably not that much different in London actually. It’s just that it’s always nice to have a good old transport moan. I think it must be a British thing. Weather observations and transport moans. Cracking.

PS. Today the weather is mostly hot, getting hotter and turning out hot. As usual.

Relief!

And there I was worrying about how completely out of touch I am and how I will return to England wearing all the wrong clothes, smelling bad and appearing invisible when looked at sideways; it is not to be! Huzzah!

Two packages have just equipped me with all I need to stage a magnificent comeback into London life: Copies of Glamour and Marie Claire will ensure I know how to wear my new skirt with style; a make-your-own-perfume kit will keep me smelling sweet as a rose (or will get me arrested on the plane – small vials of liquid all in a row are not something for hand baggage); and a load of high-protein energy bars will get me fattened up nicely.

Wahoo! Thanks v. muchly!

A nurse just very politely enquired, ‘Kate! How are you? How is your end?’

Erm?

Wake Up!

The fridge is giving out free electric shocks.

Just what you need to wake yourself up when you’ve had to forgo your usual morning cuppa cos your milk refuses to dissolve in the tea and just makes cosmic patterns instead.

Kiss of Life

On the way back from a weekend trip to Jos the car I was in broke down several miles before our destination. We’d just dropped some passengers (a lady and her two children – one of whom I hadn’t realized belonged to her as the little girl was just passed from passenger to passenger and perched on complete strangers’ laps) and the car decided it had had enough. Not too surprising really – none of the gages on the dashboard were working and we had been traveling the whole journey with the fuel warning light shining brightly.

So, back to the side of the express way. Cars screaming past wildly as our engine coughed and spluttered from sheer exhaustion. The bonnet was lifted, bits were prodded. Then the driver pulled out a tube from some part of the engine and gave it a good suck. His mouth sufficiently filled he found another tube (or something) and spat. This was repeated.

Unfortunately this road-side kiss of life was not enough to revive the car, and we unceremoniously emptied ourselves onto the road to wait for another vehicle.

Nigerianisms

There are many but here are a few of my faves:

Help me to…. Actually means ‘do it for me’

A Leather is a thin plastic bag, usually with very weak seams and the handles fused together. Often used to decorate the countryside. In huge quantities.

9 o’clock = 10.15

I beg-oooo = pretty pretty please

‘Na wow’= ‘Golly Gosh! How outrageous.'

‘Ssssssssss!’= ‘Excuse me!’ (to get attention) Seriously hope I get that out of my system before returning home.

‘Used to ….’ Means something that is currently happening e.g. ‘That woman who used to sell biscuit’ means ‘that woman who sells biscuits’.

A Mineral is a soft drink – Sprite etc.

This thing. It’s never good to be too specific, so ‘this thing’ is a handy tool to use to keep your audience guessing.

'Somehow' is used to explain something is not quite right. Most effective when use with “this thing”– eg, ‘Kai! This thing eh? It’s really …somehow!You know?’

The Village. This is not a thatch-roof affair – but just a reference to home-town – eg –He’s gone back to the village does not mean he is now residing in a mud-hut, but probably a sprawling town of over 1 million people.

Public Speaking: Nigerian Style

The #1 Rule in Nigerian Oration is: Brevity is not admired; the more you talk the more seriously everyone will take you.

Use these little pointers to help.

‘In my own little understanding, from what little knowledge I have’ is a sound opener to a long, meandering speech.

‘In short’
This is not literal. This is a good reiteration tool. Use it so that you can repeat everything you just said over the last hour and add a few totally new points.

‘What I mean to say is’.
This phrase-linker has the same function as ‘In short’. They are not mutually exclusive.Use them both to add valuable length to the speech.

Be vague.
Give many hazy clues as to what you are hinting at, so that people can either interpret it as they like, and therefore think you are a good speaker, or get so confused that they think you really must be an expert in some pretty complicated stuff.

‘In conclusion…’
Do not be misled by this phrase. It is not a wrap up of what has been discussed but an opportunity to open up a few more points.

‘Are there any questions?’
Time for questions is viewed by the audience as a chance to air their own views on the subject. Those that want to say their piece can often begin, ‘In my own little understanding, from what knowledge I have gained through your explanation, it is my belief that….’. After thirty minutes the next person will stand, ‘As he has just stated…..’.
No questions will be asked of the original speaker in order to avoid showing that the speech was unclear or the message misunderstood.

New Pups

One of the clinic dogs has decided that the space underneath my container is a good place to deliver and accommodate her puppies. She is patrolling around looking a bit sorry for herself with sore swollen nipples. I wasn’t sure what the noise was until I crouched down to look underneath and saw her there, waiting patiently with a look of motherly endurance, as her new family squeaked and nuzzled against her belly.

The male dog of the compound is walking around looking pleased with himself. Or maybe that is just my imagination. He probably doesn't care.

Pooh!

Here is a virtual workout for your nostrils:

Imagine the smell of a burnt-out fire.
Add a waft of rotten damp wood.
Let a drift of stale sweat vapour tickle the nosehairs.
A tinge of kerosene.
Cheesy feet.
Public toilets.
Mix these pungent perfumes together with something altogether more murky, mouldy, and sinister.

How’s your nose feeling? Is it at least trying to pull on the old wretching strings?

Good. Now you know what we go through every time we want to pay for something here in Nigeria. The Naira STINKS! The problem is that it is all notes; so much more porous surface area than the coin = so much more scope for drinking up strange dark smells and depositing them in my purse, in my pocket, on my fingers. POOOOOEEEEY! I’ve never come across a more smelly currency.

You couldn't make this up!

This FRONT PAGE article is copied word for word, punctuation mark for punctuation mark, from ‘The Atlantic Express – Braving the Waves to Break the News!’ (a quality breakfast table read in Calabar).

MAN LOSES SEX ORGAN – For refusing sex to three ladies

A good looking young man (name withheld) is reported to have lost his sex organ for refusing to make love to three ladies.
The incident which occurred at Nembe Creek in the Nembe Local Government Area of Bayelsa State, was brought before a witch-doctor at Ogbia Town for verification of the culpability of the three ladies who were accused of being responsible for the sudden disappearance of the mans organ.
Our sources revealed that the young man, on returning from his routine work at the oil rich Nembe Creek, was approached by three ladies who demanded sex from him but the man turned down their request.
Angered by the man’s refusal, the ladies were reported to have made some abracadabra incantation , which lead to the disappearance of the man’s organ.
On realizing the sudden change in him, the man who hails from Nembe raised an alarm which attracted a lot of people to the scene.
The ladies, our source revealed, incurred the wrath of the youth when they denied the allegation and they were later bundled into a speed boat with only pants on their bodies and brought to a witch-doctor for verification and confirmation.
The development, Atlantic Express gathered, caused pandemonium at Ogbia Town as people scampered to catch a glimpse of the ladies and their victim.
The witch-doctor, we learnt, worked on the three ladies who later confessed that they were really the cause and promised, to restore the man’s organ, when they return home, which they said was tied to a tree.

EEEEEEEEEEE hehehehehehehehehe